Northwest Fishing Reports

Heard one today that made me kinda chuckle. "Hey they're coming out with a 4th Pirates of the Carribean,..it's rated Arrrrrrrr",..thought it was corny but funny nonetheless,..anything you've heard lately post it,..please for the families sake out there,..keep it clean!

BB

How do you catch a unique rabbit?


Unique up on it.

Got lots more where that came from

Staying with a corny Pirate theme: What kind of socks do Pirates wear?

Arrrrrrrrrrgyle

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhyno?

Elephyno

Okay maybe i don't have that many clean jokes but i got plenty of dirty ones! Trying to keep it clean for the kiddies.

Big D wrote:Staying with a corny Pirate theme: What kind of socks do Pirates wear?

Arrrrrrrrrrgyle

Nice,..pretty silly but made me smile,..you 2 TT!

BB

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?


Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh

Okay doesn't anybody know any clean jokes c'mon!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?


Bugs Bunny

tommytitan08 wrote:What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?


Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

You're killing me TT,..my 7 yr old daughter's favorite joke,..she tells that joke all the time!

BB

Say "toast-toast-toast" really fast,..what do you put in a toaster?

BB

Say "yoke-yoke-yoke" really fast,..what's the white of an egg called?

BB

tommytitan08 wrote:What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?


Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

I like this one. haha its funny

WE ARE IN 'BIG TROUBLE' AND IT JUST
ISN'T ALL POLITICAL!!

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 40 million employed by
the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces
preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million
people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people
in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your butt,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

tommytitan08 wrote: WE ARE IN 'BIG TROUBLE' AND IT JUST
ISN'T ALL POLITICAL!!

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 40 million employed by
the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces
preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million
people who work for state and city
Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people
in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your butt,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Yea, but the great thing is... Im AT WORK... sitting on my butt... at my computer... reading jokes.

Where's my coffee...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ryan was left.

“Ryan, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke. And then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”

“Stay the heck away from Aunt Nancy when she's been drinking!”

Good laughs bentrod.

I got this in an E mail today and thought it was pretty funny!


WHAT IT REALLY MEANS!!!I'M GOING FISHIN."

Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by

a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete

safety." (THIS IS YOU) haha


"IT'S A GUY THING."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,

and you have no chance at all of making it logical."


"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"


"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works.


"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Really means...."Are you still talking?"


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, the address of
f
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of

every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


" WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death

before I admit I'm hurt."


"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm

completely clueless."


"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"


"I HEARD YOU."

Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am

hoping desperately that I can fake it well the next 3 days yelling at me."


"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it

could be worse."


"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

> Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm

> starving."


"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."


"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit....

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit. The people are crazy there...they've got shooting, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life, it's not as bad as you've heard. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe as anywhere once you get used to it.
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you're from there and say it's OK, then I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Here's another...

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says "Your qualifications look good, but there is an attitude suitability test you must take before being accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"




Here's another...

A short guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for a half hour when this big troubloe-making biker walks in, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy just starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time", the biker says. "I didn't think you'd cry, I can't stand to see a man crying".

"This is the worst day of my life" says the little guy. "I can't do anything right. I overslept, was late to work and lost my job. When I went to the parking lot I found out that my car had been stolen. I had to take a cab home and left my wallet in the cab", he continued, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my own dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to take my own life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."